Wednesday, February 25, 2015

On telemarketers

So, here's a true story. During the 6 or so years that I was a vegetarian, I once had a telemarketer call to offer me mail-order steaks.

Me: I'm a vegetarian.
Him: Okay, have a nice day. *hangs up*

This worked so well, I started using it on other telemarketers.

Caller: Would you like to buy our vinyl siding/satellite dish/lawn service/frozen eyeballs?
Me: I'm a vegetarian.
Him:
Me: Bye, now. *hangs up*

Feel free to use this yourself.  You're welcome.

Friday, February 20, 2015

My crazy might be in my DNA

I might secretly be a bear, because cold weather makes me want to hibernate.  Or at least nap, wrapped up in blankets.

My mom: It's 3 below zero here in Ohio.
Me: That's just wrong.
Her: Also, they ruined my tuna fish by putting soybean oil in it.

I think we might all see where I get my crazy from . . .

Saturday, February 7, 2015

On worrying

So, I am a champion worrier.  If worrying were a sport in the Olympics, I would have 59 gold medals by now.  I can worry about things that are not REMOTELY possible, like what if Navy Guy is on deployment and I'm driving home from the grocery store and a METEORITE hits my car and I die, but I'm smushed beyond recognition so nobody knows who I am to tell the kids, who are all alone in the world, and WITH NO FOOD IN THE HOUSE.

This was my biggest concern driving home this morning.  I am so not making this up.  It is scary inside my head.